I’m finding out more and more how unprepared I’ve been for truth in my life. Truth in my feelings, my heart, and in my relationship with the Lord. Because I want what this world offers — a quick fix for my problems. I don’t want to allow God to play the part of the gardener and toil through the weeds one by one. I expect instead for God to throw a sheet over the dead flowers and plant a new garden instead. But in order to expel the evil from my heart I have to speak out the lies that the devil has whispered to me for so many years. Because even though I walk with the Lord I am living in a world reigned by a darker king. The devil prowls about like a roaring lion and I’ve found that it’s scary to fight him, even with my armour. It’s scary to stand firm in the Lord, trusting that He’s got my back as this battle rages on and marches straight toward my heart.

And as I stand there in the battlefield I wonder why are they coming if they know they can’t have my heart? Why won’t they leave me alone? Why do I constantly have to pick up my sword and shield and fend off this ever-coming evil that wraps me up at night in a blanket of fear and holds my thoughts captive and covers my ears when truth rings out? I look to my side where my Lord stands firm and I ask Him why? Why, Lord did you make this difficult for me? I thought you were in control, God, I thought you would keep them away from me? God, I thought you would keep me safe? And my God looks at me with eyes deeper than the darkest depths of the ocean that reach so far into my past and my future I cannot meet His gaze because in those eyes I see the truth that I have known all along. The truth that burns straight through all of the lies I’ve kept around myself thinking that they would keep me warm. The truth that has been written long before I came to be and long before this world was even spoken into existence.

Because with a single word God created the heavens and the earth and all that was in them. With a single word Jesus breathed His last while at the same time preparing this world for the glory unknown– the glory that would shake man to his core and bring him on his knees because he recognised that His Lord is no longer in the grave but that His Lord is risen! A single word is all it took to open the skies and fill the oceans and bring life to men and love to the world. I see all of this in my Saviour’s eyes and my heart seems to shatter and my soul is torn to pieces because I know this truth. I know this truth.

But I refuse it.

I refuse it every day when I exchange the word of God for lies. I refuse it when I choose pleasure over praise, malice for majesty, and cold feet over courage. Because this courage, dear heart, I do not have. Not even when I am standing with my God in the armour he built for me. I refuse this truth everyday when I look into the mirror and criticise what the Maker of the universe so intricately put together in my mother’s womb. The body my God made I reject with an ungrateful opinion that He could have done better. I refuse this truth when I stumble through my life with disgust toward myself and I curse my name; my name He wrote in His book of life before this world came to be. I refuse this truth when sin takes me in a dance and the aroma of lust replaces the scent of lilies that once represented my purity; but it seems I dropped the vase long ago and let this world trample my petals without a second thought. I reach down in an effort to pick up what dignity I thought I had but am swept once more into the enchanting arms of those around me. But what I cannot see is that I am dancing with bones in a sea of blood that has spilled over the world ever since the fateful bite of a forbidden fruit.

My eyes are opened and I am filled with horror of what has become of my life. The scent of the world is a stench of death that stings my nostrils and suffocates my lungs as the dance turns into a struggle to reach the surface where I’m convinced I will breath fresh air. But it’s not fresh air that fills my chest but sulfur named sin that I fear I will never be rid of. This sin that I am never ceased to be reminded I was born with so it seems I will never be free. Then what am I doing here? Why am I fighting if I am never going to be free of the thorns dug so far into my flesh not even the most skilled surgeon could remove them? I turn to my Lord and plead for an answer. I search those eyes for something beyond the truth I’ve been told because somehow the promises of His word won’t satisfy this wretched soul of mine and I still want a second opinion. But instead of seeing the filth of this world around me, I see it all on my Jesus. Who should be clothed in gleaming white with robes of truth, He is clothed in sin.

My sin.

And I put that on my Jesus. I plead with my Lord to give it back to me, let me have my burdens for You, Lord, are too holy to take on such a horrible mess. But this cross was not mine to carry. The Lord took my sin upon Himself and washed it away. But though I see my Saviour now in white and feel myself cleansed of this sin, my heart is heavy with guilt. Because even though I can see with my own eyes that Jesus has taken my sin, I try to take back my cross. The cross that Jesus Christ hung upon so that I don’t have too. You see, He took my sin on that hill in Golgotha. He bore my guilt, my shame, and my pain. And yet, somehow, I refuse this gift. This gift of life, and reject the grace so freely given. But God, my God, this grace is too simple! How could you simply wipe away my shame and continue to love me? How, Lord?

And when I look into His eyes, suddenly, I feel peace. Because I know why He continues to extend love and forgiveness to me. I know why grace washes over me as the oceans wash over the shore. Because I am His child and this love is the love of my Father. My Father. And I know who I am, now. I can expel the lies and speak the truth because this truth is in my heart. I am a daughter. A daughter of the King who sits most high and spoke the heavens into motion and touched the lips of the angels so that they may sing eternal praises. I am a daughter whose Father chose to love me when I didn’t love myself. Who sees my shame and replaces it with sheer joy and a desire to free others from the same chains that held me down for far to long.

And I know I’ll stumble again. That I will fall and feel the arms of the world tearing and tugging toward my heart. But this time, I’m ready. The armour that God gave me is fastened tight and I have a steadfast hope that the name of Jesus will bring light into the darkest corners of my life. Because my Father fights for me, still. Because the battle for my heart has already been won.